It's Not Personal : Acceptance

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Here I am posing with Reid Tracy of 
Hay House Publishing at a 
Writer's workshop in Las Vegas.

Watch this space for further information about my new book, Mindfully Ever After. 

Mindfully Ever After is research based with 52 tips on how to stay happily married by recognizing and preventing common pitfalls that face many couples.

As soon as the book comes off the presses, you'll be the first to know!
Thank you! 
I'm excited to share Mindfully Ever After with you!

CHAPTER 3:  The Blame Game
Love is Energy and Energy is Everything!

  A smiling Heart! A tingly tummy! I know that glorious glowing feeling! You have a deep inner knowing that your love will last 

forever and ever more. Whether high school sweethearts or years spent searching, you found your life’s companion, a partner to embrace 

you through all life’s highs, lows, and in betweens as you merrily row, row, row your boat through this crazy upside down world. You 

believe that you have the love of all loves, surpassing any Shakespearean play as you wistfully follow your own kaleidoscopic brick road 

to the magical land of Happily Ever After. 

Of course you’re ecstatic! But, sometimes, even with chemistry fiery enough to split an atom and promises sealed with a kiss, love just 

isn’t enough. Outside factors have a way of seeping into your lives, playing nasty tricks of illusion and negatively influencing your 

marriage. Then, just as the steady trickle of a stream erodes the mighty rock into a tiny pebble, your love is in jeopardy, yet you can’t 

identify any particular day or defining moment. It just happens. 

Regretfully, I speak from personal experience as I went from being one-half of a couple who was madly, no, scratch that, to say that I was 

“madly” in love doesn’t do my love justice. I was passionately in love. Yes, passionately is more like it---with a bold capital P. I was 

positive that we would grow old together and finish each other’s sentences. But reality stepped in after 23 years, and, faster than you can 

say “I DO,” I found myself checking single on my tax return. By the time we sought counseling, the relationship was far too fractured to be 

repaired. Divorce the only option.

Why would a divorced woman have the audacity to write a book that offers advice about love relationships? After my marriage ended, I 

felt like a complete and total failure. For the longest time, I questioned, “What did I do wrong? Why would he have an affair?” I honestly 

thought that I was a good wife. I foolishly thought that we were happy.

What lesson was I to learn?

While no one in a failed relationship is totally absolved of fault, I read how-to articles, books on marriage and searched the Internet for 

quality advice seeking absolution for any role I may have played. I craved to know why and when the erosion began. How could I have 

missed such an important moment that defined my future?

As I read university research, books, articles and listened to experts for marriage advise, I recognized a consistent message in what they 

were saying. Before long, I found myself buying legal pads and cross referencing the most common threads of information. I then took my 

notes and rewrote the findings, keeping it informative yet concise.

Forewarned is forearmed became my adopted saying as Mindfully Ever After slowly took shape. It naturally developed as a guide for 

couples to identify problems before they manifest. My hope is that you will take the time to read and reread these pages full of rich tips 

until you are able to mindfully recognize those sneaky outside factors. Prevention is key, like when you eliminate the nest of bumble bees 

burrowed under your roof’s shingles before they come swarming into your home. 

As you read Mindfully Ever After, I encourage you to take time to examine your actions of the past and your thoughts of today. Crossing 

over the marriage threshold, it’s only natural to bring along a bevy of expectations, beliefs, and perceptions from your past ---after all, 

that’s what made you who you are. To successfully nurture your love union through the days and years of togetherness takes mindful 

awareness of the combination of today and yesterdays.

There are many mindfully ever after marriages and yours is most likely one of them. You have the free-will consciousness to make that 

choice. By becoming aware of the snags and snares ahead of time, you gain sure footed confidence to keep the sanctity of your vows. 

Think of your marriage as a garden that needs to be tendered, carefully and lovingly. Regardless of how much mulch is spread, constant 

vigilance is still necessary. If not, weeds will still find a way to wiggle through, bugs will feast on lush leaves and delicate petals, and 

before the day’s end, your garden is overgrown and infested.  

While there is no one-size-fits-all for anyone, by being aware of the suggestions in Mindfully Ever After, along with your unyielding 

vigilance, you stand a better chance of preventing problems or gain know-how to quickly resolve them. As your marriage garden is 

nourished, your lives are enriched with love and light to flourish and thrive for all your days.  

Understand that life is unpredictable. There are no guarantees. As in any relationship, arguments are certain to happen and all kinds of 

problems will arise. With trust and deep faith within your heart and inner spirit, journeying hand-in-hand on this wondrous adventure 

called love, you are not alone. You have each other. 

Living in the zone of mindfulness is a pathway to a loving, calm and caring tomorrow. Thank you for accompanying Mindfully Ever After 

on your journey.  Godspeed.

It's Not Personal

by Paulette Glover on 05/23/20

It’s Not Personal

        Be mindful of the perceptions you make about the people around you.

Adopt the ‘It’s not personal’ belief for inner peace and contentment.

  Whatever is said or done, whether by your partner, a parent, boss, or a

 stranger in passing, know that it’s not personal! I know the internal struggle it

 takes not to personally accept insults when directly aimed at your heart. But 

know that when you do take another person’s words or actions personally,

you’re giving him or her power over you while he merrily rows his boat, 

whistling a happy tune, and your feelings are the piece of lint flicked off a 


     However, by changing your perception of any person, event or circumstance, an entire new scene opens up to you. For example, if I’m cut off in traffic, I replace being ticked off by changing my perception. I put myself in the offender’s place and think, maybe there’s a baby crying, perhaps he’s late for a job interview, or, she just wasn’t paying attention and didn’t mean to     

     Changing your perception is like looking through the windshield of your car, what you see is what you get--- it isn’t personal that there’s construction, detours and potholes. Even if a person’s dog craps in your yard, is it personal? Maybe she forget to bring a cleanup bag, or, could it be, that he’s just plain rude?  Accepting that there will always be rough roads, changing scenery, and people who let their dog crap in your yard as part , it’s all part of the human experience. Accept that there are rude and ignorant people regardless of where you live. And know that there are more kind and thoughtful people if you permit yourself to see them through a compassionate lens.

    Once upon a time, I was guaranteed a supervisor position if I returned to grad school for certification, which I did. Thousands of dollars in debt later, when the position became available, it was given to someone else. Was I upset? Hell, yeah.  Did I take it personally? Oh, yeah. But, by not getting the position I had worked so hard for, I was open and available to follow an incredible spiritual journey. 

     I don’t know why things happen the way that they do, but I do know that when you don’t take things personally, it may be Universe giving you the nudge needed to find the opening to your true path. Once you refuse to have your emotions dictated by other people, you’re able to surrender and open yourself to notice when new opportunities are being offered.

     Look at the people in your life. There are kind people, selfish people and judgmental people in your everyday circle of living.  It’s your choice to be with people that offer kindness and respect. Walk away from the ones with toxic energy. Once you stop taking the actions of others personally, you’ll find your relationship at home becomes less stressful and more satisfying.  It’s impossible to please everyone, so you must have the courage to be true to the one person who matters most---yourself. 

     Know that there will be people in your immediate family who won’t understand when you no longer give permission to have your buttons pushed. After all, you’ve stopped playing the game.  When you hear, “My how you’ve changed!” and you’re able to respond, “Thank you for noticing,” feel the pride of taking control of your life. Trust your inner voice. By integrating ‘It’s not personal’ as your guided truth, you gain inner peace and happiness, regardless of the bumps in the road. You’ll be able to accept them for what they are---just bumps.      

     It’s taken me years to integrate the It’s not personal philosophy, but once I did, it was liberating!   Every once in a while, I catch myself sliding and have to be mindful that the behavior of the other person has nothing to do with me.  Whatever happened, whatever was said, it isn’t personal.                                          Be mindful of the empty boats in your life and search inward. 

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Chapter 3 The Blame Game

 STOP playing the Blame Game. 
Take responsibility for your own actions. Recognize when blame is unfairly placed.
ARM yourself: 
Accept the situation with grace.
Release anger by seeking a solution.
 Move on with resolution.

  “Who knocked the plant over?”Mom asks. The kids all chime in at once, pointing at each other, “It’s his fault! … 

It’s her fault!” Like a cartoon, finger pointing blame is usually assigned to the young. 

     Some people grow out of the blame game and some don’t. If you find yourself being unfairly blamed for things like,

 “It’s your fault I missed my meeting!” “Your talking made me miss the exit!” “It’s your fault there’s no milk!” With people 

who are in the habit of placing blame, the list is endless. If you recognize yourself as a person who places blame, the 

time to take responsibility for your actions and words is NOW.

     To be fair, abuse of the blame game is gender equal, with both sexes causing havoc on the spirit. By the time you’re 

an adult, it’s time to act like one by taking ownership of your decisions, behaviors and anger. Placing blame is childish 

and does nothing to serve anyone’s best interest.

     Growing up, my family’s running joke was to blame the dog anytime anyone had flatulence. Boot’s would hear her 

name, lift up her head and look at us fools laughing, as though saying, ‘Whatever.’ While your dog doesn’t care, I 

guarantee that if you’re constantly blaming your spouse, he or she, does care. Before long, a once confident mate 

becomes filled with embarrassment, fear or anger and defensive mechanisms are set into action.  

      However, there is a loophole, sort of speak, that suggests, under particular circumstances, calling someone out on 

unhealthy habits and irritable behaviors can help to prevent resentment. For example, two of the more frequent 

complaints I heard during my research, was the blame of forgetfulness and tardiness. While excuses varied, so-

called solutions often came in the form of nagging, usually ending in an argument, subconsciously encouraging  the 

cycle of blame to continue.

   If willingness to release the pattern is sincere, as with forgetfulness or tardiness, one preventative solution would be to 

set a bunch of alarms on a cell phone to serve as reminders to stay on track. Another technique is the use of post it 

notes left on the computer screen, the bathroom mirror and bedroom dresser. Post it notes also serve as silent 

reminders on the car steering wheel when you need to pick up milk or a kid from soccer practice. 

  Once ownership of any chronic problem is accepted with a willingness to correct it, relationships can have space to 

improve by replacing nagging with gratitude. Then, if you’re late to a major event, it’s because you really did get delayed 

in traffic.

  While not everyone is compliant, at first mention of a habitual problem, your partner may feel insulted or angry. But, 

once the problem is out in the open, your relationship may actually be strengthened because no one is seething in 

resentment or harboring the feeling of being taken for granted.  

   Be honest with yourself. Rather than seeking fault or placing blame, search for ways to resolve the issue. Professional 

help may be able to uncover the root of the problem and offer a simple solution, leaving you saying, “Why didn’t we think 

of that!”  
  Accept with grace that there is a problem,
  Release your anger by seeking a solution and
  Move on with resolution.
   ARM yourself---Accept, Release, and Move on!

Chapter 2
Every Accomplishment Counts

Offer sincere praise for your partner’s accomplishments.  
Big or small, celebrate and be proud of your partner! 

  As a new bride, I wasn’t much of a cook. Oh, I conquered the scrambled egg well enough, but the challenge of making 

lump-free mashed potatoes and gravy escaped my kitchen prowess. They were too thick, too thin, or too lumpy. I used 

too much flour, too little broth, too much salt, not enough butter. Until, a few years later… one fantastic Thanksgiving, I 

made the absolute best mashed potatoes and gravy ever made on that thankful day! It was like the fairy godmother of 

  lump-free food waved her magic wand and I could do no wrong. 

     When my husband told me how delicious everything was and how proud he was of me for never giving up, I was like 

a little kid! “Watch me swim!” “Watch me swing!” “Watch me make gravy!” It’s embarrassing to admit, but I remember 

telling him every single step of the mashed potato and gravy process and how I did it! 

     Human nature’s a funny thing when egos come into play. Of course, egos are necessary, but, when it comes to  

accomplishments, it’s time to set your own ego aside and let your partner shine. Love is about having the genuine 

satisfaction that you offered unwavering support and had faith in her every step of the way. 

     Be careful though, an accomplishment by one partner can quickly become a two edged sword if you let your ego get 

the best of you. In other words, don’t let your 15 minutes of fame go to your head, or, as my mom would say, “Don’t get 

too big for your britches, Missy!” or “Don’t get too big for your britches, Mister” if she was talking to my brothers. Clearly, 

anyone approaching the big britches status wasn’t worthy to be called by name. When she felt that enough praise had 

been given, another favorite saying was, “It’s time to come off that high horse of yours.” Which was especially 

interesting, as none of us, or her, had ever ridden a horse. I thought, “Huh? What horse? What is she even 

talking about?” While you have every right to be proud of your accomplishments, remember the little people who helped 

along the way.

  Be proud of each other’s accomplishments, whether it’s a promotion at work, earning an advanced degree, or hanging 

a picture, recognize the dedication of all the hard work and sacrifice he or she has made. 

  Meanwhile, if you’re the one receiving recognition, don’t let your ego get the best of you. Arrogance and bragging do 

not paint a pretty picture. Acknowledge the support your husband or wife gave along the way to make your 

accomplishment possible. In the long run, every accomplishment benefits the home team. 

Chapter I

Acceptance is Key 

Accept your partner with all his or her quirks, 
habits and little annoyances.

      Humans adopt little quirks at an early age, some more annoying than others, like kids using a clean shirt when a napkin’s right

 next to him!  Sharing your life with a partner who accepts all quirks gained along the way paves a natural path to a harmonious


     Once chemistry clicks on the first date, everything is rosy! All of your attention is focused on getting to know each other, like 

does he collect stamps or prefer to travel? At this level, she doesn’t know that he leaves sweaty socks on the living room floor, 

hoards newspapers, or drinks milk from the carton. He doesn’t know that she farts in bed or dulls his razor by shaving her legs. 

These are things learned after a commitment’s been made.

     Months or years later, the habits that didn’t bother you at the early stages of romance may become maddening! Some habits are 

easy fixes, like placing gentle post-a-note reminders on the bathroom mirror, ‘Clean out the sink, damn it!’  

    After 41 years, Walter said, “You must be respectful friends. Love each other, accept the differences and don’t get stuck on issues. 

Things are just what they are, not always to be changed to suit someone else. The time that you spend convincing someone to think 

as you do can be futile and frustrating. Life goes on anyway, and every small issue usually wanes in importance the next day…..I 

guess what I’m saying is to just accept each other, the good along with the not so good. It all levels out in the end.” 

Having trouble changing your annoyance level? Instead of honing in on what drives you crazy, switch to the energy channel      

RHPT or Remember His (or Her) Positive Traits. 

     Jamie said, “Adam and I respect each other and can talk openly about anything…. Even more than that, we totally accept each 

other.  For example, when Adam’s working on a project, he’s so laser focused that he doesn’t hear a word I say. I’ve learned to

 accept that’s who he is and wait to talk to him after he’s done, and, when I’m moody or not feeling up to par, Adam accepts me. I 

don’t’ try to change him and he doesn’t try to change me.”

     Granted, there are definite behaviors that go beyond being annoying.* These habits often have to do with smelly bodily functions 

or personal cleanliness, like crawling into bed with dirty feet or neglecting oral hygiene. How about morning breath kissing? Really? 

Get a breath mint!

     Be aware of the fairy tale perception's of marriage! Honeymoons really do come to an end, couples really are two individuals 

with separate thoughts, and getting married really isn’t the end all answer to solving your problems. Marriage is about accepting the 

warts along with the halos.

     By accepting each other’s minor quirks and habits, you remain one solid unit. Change what’s necessary, accept the little 

annoyances, and, Please God, grant the wisdom and ability to know the difference.  

*Quirks and habits do not refer to lewd behaviors, porn, physical/emotional abuse, deceit, or abuse of alcohol / drugs, which is never acceptable.